|Happy 2nd Birthday IWSG!!|
And I'm scared.
I know this is my dream and I'm finally seeing some rewards for all my hard work but sometimes dreams look suspiciously like nightmares and today I just feel like waking up and forgetting it even happened.
And I'm angry.
Angry that I even started down this road years ago because then I wouldn't be feeling like I am today and crying like a baby and wanting to crawl into bed and jump off the roof and run away and eat a giant chocolate cake all at the same time.
And I'm guilty.
Because I've received so much help and support from family and friends and writers and teachers and agents and editors and I wonder if maybe they've just completely wasted their efforts. Because this person I see in the mirror will never be good enough and her writing will forever be mediocre and embarrass the crap out of everyone involved.
And I'm delusional.
Because when my publisher signed me they said you know you're going to get a lot backlash for this book and I said yes I know. I knew it as I drafted it, I knew it as I revised it. I knew it as I sent it out to CP's and agents and editors. And I told the world to Bring It, because I'm so ready. Except I'm a LIAR because today I am
Maybe it's all this talk of bullies on Goodreads or complaints about whiny authors. Maybe it's because I seem to be doing a whole lot more deleting than typing on my WIP and my outline has committed suicide...death by fireplace. Maybe it's because I am so disturbingly attached and defensive of my characters I might need to see a therapist. Or maybe it's because I'm just plain not cut out for this and should quit while I can.
And I'm so so so doubtful.
About every letter and word and sentence I write. I am such an idiot for thinking I could do this. A scared, angry, guilty, delusional, insecure, doubtful idiot who cries and blabbers like an ungrateful fraud to the core.
But sometimes doubt and emotions look suspiciously like PMS--especially since I mentioned the chocolate part--and so please please please tell me everything is going to be okay because even though right now I probably won't believe it, give me a few more days and I'll look back at this post and your awesome comments and realize I was smoking something because everything is A-okay in ilimaland. I hope.
*Huge apologies for the completely selfish rambling post. Objects in mirror are saner than they appear. I promise.*