Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I.W.S.G. Meltdown Alert

Happy 2nd Birthday IWSG!!
So I had a completely different post scheduled for this month's Insecure Writer's Support Group, but alas, here I am, minutes before midnight typing away at the keyboard because today has been ONE OF THOSE DAYS and I feel like walking away from this whole writing thing and not looking back.

And I'm scared.

I know this is my dream and I'm finally seeing some rewards for all my hard work but sometimes dreams look suspiciously like nightmares and today I just feel like waking up and forgetting it even happened.

And I'm angry.

Angry that I even started down this road years ago because then I wouldn't be feeling like I am today and crying like a baby and wanting to crawl into bed and jump off the roof and run away and eat a giant chocolate cake all at the same time.

And I'm guilty.

Because I've received so much help and support from family and friends and writers and teachers and agents and editors and I wonder if maybe they've just completely wasted their efforts. Because this person I see in the mirror will never be good enough and her writing will forever be mediocre and embarrass the crap out of everyone involved.

And I'm delusional.

Because when my publisher signed me they said you know you're going to get a lot backlash for this book and I said yes I know. I knew it as I drafted it, I knew it as I revised it. I knew it as I sent it out to CP's and agents and editors. And I told the world to Bring It, because I'm so ready. Except I'm a LIAR because today I am

I-N-S-E-C-U-R-E.

Maybe it's all this talk of bullies on Goodreads or complaints about whiny authors. Maybe it's because I seem to be doing a whole lot more deleting than typing on my WIP and my outline has committed suicide...death by fireplace. Maybe it's because I am so disturbingly attached and defensive of my characters I might need to see a therapist. Or maybe it's because I'm just plain not cut out for this and should quit while I can.

And I'm so so so doubtful.

About every letter and word and sentence I write. I am such an idiot for thinking I could do this. A scared, angry, guilty, delusional, insecure, doubtful idiot who cries and blabbers like an ungrateful fraud to the core.

But sometimes doubt and emotions look suspiciously like PMS--especially since I mentioned the chocolate part--and so please please please tell me everything is going to be okay because even though right now I probably won't believe it, give me a few more days and I'll look back at this post and your awesome comments and realize I was smoking something because everything is A-okay in ilimaland. I hope.

*Huge apologies for the completely selfish rambling post. Objects in mirror are saner than they appear. I promise.*

37 comments:

Kyra Lennon said...

Those days SUCK. But, I know that you know you can do this. You've just got a little weighted down with that horrifying panic that comes with releasing a book.

It WILL be okay. Eat some chocolate, go do something to take your mind off it, and come back refreshed, and ready to rock the world with your awesomeness!

Annalisa Crawford said...

Oh I really feel for you. Yes, most of us feel the same way, but you have to realise it's fleeting. There have been so many times when I've felt I have no idea what I'm doing and can't write for toffee... and then a lovely reader will say my words are awesome.

As for the backlash... that's slightly different. I've been receiving rejections for 20 years, so I've developed a pretty thick skin. You just have to ignore the bad stuff - and print out and stick the good stuff all over your walls.

Suzi said...

You are delusional. To be thinking you don't deserve it and will disappoint people. :) You've put a lot of hard work into this story and it will be spectacular. I'm one of those people who can't wait to read it and think that the controversial parts make it even more interesting.

Remember, there's always gonna be people who don't like your book, so screw them, because there'll be way more who love it.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

We all feel this way, especially when you've written a tough topic that you aren't sure how it will be received. I'm in the same place. All we can do is hope for the best, and maybe avoid checking out the reviews on Goodreads. *hugs*

Madeline Mora-Summonte said...

BREATHE! :)

Those feelings WILL pass. You know they will, said it yourself in the post. Hold onto that belief and ride through the dark, bad, sad, scary stuff. It will get brighter, and it will get better.

Okay, now go eat some of the chocolate cake. :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

It will be all right! It won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But it will be worth all the struggles.

Michelle D. Argyle said...

Oh, Ilima. *hugs* I've certainly been on the roller coaster you're on, especially with that first book. Publishing a debut is not easy, and it's because of the emotional turmoil that you're experiencing. Most authors feel it. Not many actually talk about it. So kudos to you for being brave enough to do that.

Um, it took my whole world to collapse around me this past week to get me to a place where I just don't care anymore about much of anything that I've fretted over in the past, and I'm actually happy and comfortable and excited about what's ahead of me. I never, ever thought it would took my world imploding for that to happen.

Try to ride this wave of emotion as best you can. Indulge in chocolate and the small successes as much as you possibly can.

Love you, my friend!

Johanna Garth said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. Big hugs! Maybe take a few days off and go read some of what you've written and always love just to reconvince yourself of what an amazing talent and voice you have! :)

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Oh no! There seems to be a lot of this going around lately.
Will there be people who don't like your book? Yes. Will there be a TON more who love it? YES! It's going to be awesome. I've been looking forward to reading it since the first time I read the premise on your blog. Try to ignore the doubts, they'll wash away again soon. (And probably come back again, but don't worry about that.) ;)

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Oh no! There seems to be a lot of this going around lately.
Will there be people who don't like your book? Yes. Will there be a TON more who love it? YES! It's going to be awesome. I've been looking forward to reading it since the first time I read the premise on your blog. Try to ignore the doubts, they'll wash away again soon. (And probably come back again, but don't worry about that.) ;)

S. L. Hennessy said...

Your fear, your worry, your doubt...sounds like you're a writer to me. Because that's the life of a writer. If we wanted easy we'd be working a 9-5 job somewhere we you tuck it away at the end of the night.

Be brave. You can do this. It's hard, and it's painful, but it's worth it.

Happy two years IWSG!

Donna K. Weaver said...

*hugs* These are the days you don't make important decisions. Like quitting. Or assisted suicide by fire.

Wonderful post. You captured it perfectly. You are so destined for greatness.

S.K. Anthony said...

Big hug!

I'll trade places with you. I think I'm due a meltdown... I absolutely feel the doubt and insecurity so at least you are not alone. Hey, lets try the whole misery loves company thing? No? Okay, then... lets try to snap out of it, eat more chocolate, and know that you are not being delusional. You are awesome and will be just fine... I'm right behind you... lol By the way, this was a great meltdown post ;)

Chantele Sedgwick said...

I feel this way ALL THE TIME. It sucks. It really does. But everything always works out. It's totally normal to feel not good enough. But seriously. You've written a book. You've been picked up by an agent and a publisher. You ARE good enough. And you are going to rock this book and your others because you didn't give up. You kept going, even in the darkest times. Just remember you're not alone. We've all been there. Most of us are still there. *hugs*

Cassie Mae said...

Okay, we're getting together and eating Ben and Jerry's while we discuss all these things we're afraid of and guilty of, and then we'll feel like rockstars afterward. I'm serious...we need to get together! I'll give you a big boost of confidence and if not that, at least you got ice cream out of it :)

Laura said...

Everything is going to be OK! We all have days like this, and they are never fun, but you can make it through. You have all of our support :)

Morgan said...

Oh Ilima... can we just go eat chocolate and hang out together???? Pleeeease???

Or maybe I'll just copy your post and paste it onto my blog... that'll work. I'm with you. Just know I'm with you!

Shallee said...

I know those days. Hugs and love coming your way, and I hope tomorrow is better. You are amazing.

Sheena-kay Graham said...

DON'T YOU DARE QUIT! You keep going, you have a publisher and you aren't just good enough. You're excellent. *Kiss on cheek* Now go out there and let the world hear you roar!

MollyMom103 said...

This is the thing I cling to: it is as easy to think that everythign will work out, all the help will have meaning and all that you will achieve something that is satifying for your soul.

Happy IWSG Birthday!

Crystal Collier said...

Sending virtual cheese your way. Instructions:

1. Open box.
2. Put in mouth.
3. Chew.
4. Forget the world.
5. Smile.

The world always looks better afterward. Chin up, woman.

Jessica Salyer said...

Everything will be okay. It's the roller coaster we ride on... one day up, the next down. But I would much rather be on the ride than off. Try to remember how bad you wanted it when you started and why you said bring it on. The story maybe?

J. A. Bennett said...

Oh honey! I can see there are already so many supportive comments, but I have to add my voice too. I've felt this way so many, many times. I even stopped blogging once I felt like such a fraud. I love you to bits, and I can't wait for your book. Every snippet of you work that I've read on this blog has had me swooning/crying/jumping for joy. seriously, you're amazing. Don't you dare give up or I'm coming to your house to kick your butt. Got that?!?

Side note: I ADORE City and Colour! I totally mention them in the Christmas Story that's going to come out in October :)

Mark Koopmans said...

I think it is absolutely healthy to feel the way you feel, because I know tomorrow or the next day you will feel super excited about chosen career again :-)

Suzanne Furness said...

I'm a bit late with my comment but I can only echo what others have already said. Don't quit, you have worked so hard to get where you are. These feelings will pass and you will come out the other side stronger. *BIG HUGS*

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Ilima, you read my soul. I am a roller coaster of emotion. I keep hoping I grow out of it..like gain some sort of maturity and confidence, but so far, no good.

Robin said...

Sorry it's been one of those days! ((((hugs)))) you are amazing and your writing is too. Wish I were close enough to eat that chocolate and ice-cream with you!!

Emma Adams said...

I hate those feelings! I'm a nervous wreck about my new book already and petrified about bad reviews, backlash, etc. - it can feel overwhelming and so discouraging! If only there was a way to shut out those thoughts! But you'll have a lot of people supporting you, I'm sure - I don't know where I'd be without the people who believe in my writing! :)

Carrie Butler said...

Ah, yes. I've been there. All I can say is that it'll pass, and don't worry. We've got you. :)

Rachel McClellan said...

These could've been my words. What's interesting is only writers can truly understand what you're feeling.

Nicole said...

It'll be okay!!! Sometimes it helps to repeat it out loud and hear someone else say it too. We all get to this point every now and then, and you're right - it can be very scary to suddenly be questioning everything. But you have so much going for you. Just breathe (or cry, or shout) and realize that things will soon be looking up again.

Kelley Lynn said...

Oh honey! I'm so so sorry you feel this way but you TOTALLY SHOULDN'T. There is something so refreshingly different about your work, and so REAL. People are going to love it. (some might not) but I KNOW most will. Chin up girlie.

And remember us when you get to the top ;)

jaybird said...

*Hugs* If I lived closer, I would have baked you a giant chocolate cake and brought it over so we could house it together :)

I think we all feel like this periodically-you will get back on track and feel like yourself again in no time. Just know you are not alone and I, for one, will support you no matter what you are feeling!

** great song choice **

Cortney Pearson said...

It's so easy to get down on ourselves! I hope it's a comfort to you to know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do! I've never read any of your stuff (aside from your Friend article, ha ha), but I'm sure it's amazing, because YOU are amazing! Hang in there and focus on the positive! (I say that because it's what I'm constantly telling myself, lol). Hugs!!

Leigh Covington said...

Aww. Woman, you are amazing and I just love this post cause it's so honest. And all I have to say is stick with it because I've got your back and I can't wait to read your book!

Livia Peterson said...

I've been there before. You are not alone, Ilima. Yes, this writing thing can be hard and has its ups and downs, but it goes with the territory. Believe in yourself, girl!

You are an amazing writer. We all know that. You are an awesome person as well. This is an honest post and I love it. Stick with this writing journey because you know what, your friends (including me) have your back and always here for you - to cheer you on.

*BIG HUGS*

Kathryn Purdie said...

I had a hard time feeling sorry for you in the post because this post alone proves what an awesome writer you are. Look at the voice! It had me smiling and giggling throughout. So everyone else can offer you sympathy. I will just tell you how much you rock! *hugs*